NHS to Use Amateur Gopro Footage as Remedy for Insomnia

The NHS has just announced that it will be using amateur helmet camera footage as a remedy for insomnia. The news comes after a psychological study found that 90% of helmet camera footage is ‘boring as fuck’.

A clinical trial found the footage to be far more effective than hypnosis, sleep therapy or Xanex. Unfortunately the trial was not a complete success after one subject died after being bored to death.

WARNING: IMAGE MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS

Dr. Who-ers who was conducting the trial said ‘It was all going to plan until we showed our subject a Gopro footage of some knob riding around on the street outside his house. The subject started to convulse after being made to read the accompanying description and being informed that the author was not in fact a pro but a senior in the SDA. Within 15 seconds of watching the footage the subject was dead.’

The trial found the experiment to be so successful that most subjects had passed out before the third corner of spooky woods. Even those who were mountain bikers were so bored they passed out at the same time, which was surprising seeing as they’ve seen that piece of track countless times before.

The NHS is expected to save millions using the scheme and advises insomniacs to self medicate. The press release stated ‘The best thing about this new therapy is that it can easily be administered by the patients themselves. All they have to do is log on to Facebook, scroll down one page until they find that one friend who thinks they’re Aaron Gwin and play the video.’

Concerns were raised that patients may become dependent on the therapy. However, due to posters being so unoriginal the patients could simply play ‘Sail’ by Awolnation to send them to sleep after 2 months on the program.

Si Paton More Powerful Than Opec Following BDS Price Rise, Report Says

It has emerged that Si Paton is now powerful than OPEC it has been claimed by a new report following a hike in the price of a BDS entry. Si Paton now controls 80% of the UK’s racing scene and has no intention of redistributing wealth throughout the United Kingdom.

‘Send that one to the showers.’
Photo by Si Paton

The report also found that Mr Paton has spent the new profit on a new ‘mountain retreat’ with reinforced basement in Berghof, a small town in the Bavarian Alps. This was part of a larger list that also included, a duck house, taxi’s to and from every race and a second home in Peebles.

With the new price rise also came new a new set of rules these rules will be strictly imposed by the death penalty (death by boredom, administered by having to sit through a rider briefing).

The new rules include:

• No rider can have the same haircut as Supreme Leader Paton – Don’t worry vets if you’re starting to bald hair transplants will soon be cheaper than entering a round of the BDS.
• Before racing riders must get on one knee and thank Our Father and Saviour Paton for putting this wonderful race on earth
• When referring to the BDS it must only be referred to as ‘The Master Race’
• Refunds will only be awarded if the rider in question can lick his/her own elbow

Supreme Leader Paton could not be reached as he was having dinner with Dan Bilzarian on his private yacht.

Aaron Gwin Fails Drug Test for Being ‘High on Christ’ UCI Says

Following a series of drug tests since the Leogang World Cup the UCI has concluded that Aaron Gwin will not be allowed to race Lenzerheide after putting holy water in his water bottle in the start hut.

Goliath

In a press conference this week the UCI said: ‘Today we found Gwin guilty of doping following a series of drug tests by our very trustworthy anti doping team. The rider in question was found to have left a water bottle of holy water at the start hut and we have confirmed reports that he ate the flesh of Christ for breakfast in the morning and drank the blood of our savior the night before. The UCI has a very strict anti-doping policy and we wish to keep it that way. There are no mountain bikers that could afford to break this rule… Literally’

Riders have been outraged by the scandal, Gee ‘Hubris’ Atherton said in an exclusive interview with Headjar ‘I knew something was amiss when he beat me with no chain on. I’m a 21st century mountain bike genius and beating me with a chain on requires a serious error on my part.’ He then went on to say. ‘Frankly I think the whole thing is incredibly disrespectful seeing as I am a god.’

We caught up with rival journalist Wyn Masters to see what he had to say on the matter. ‘Ye cuz, I knew the bleddy bugger was going to do it. God came to me at the Fort William after party and warned me in advance. He says to me “WYN, never trust a ginger, they have no soul.” at least I think it was god either that or a talking dog. I don’ really know to be honest I’ve seen a lot shit when I’ve been partying.’

Having spoken to various riders at the pits today it seems they are happy with the temporary ban as it now gives them a reason to turn up.