Aaron Gwin Fails Drug Test for Being ‘High on Christ’ UCI Says

Following a series of drug tests since the Leogang World Cup the UCI has concluded that Aaron Gwin will not be allowed to race Lenzerheide after putting holy water in his water bottle in the start hut.

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Goliath

In a press conference this week the UCI said: ‘Today we found Gwin guilty of doping following a series of drug tests by our very trustworthy anti doping team. The rider in question was found to have left a water bottle of holy water at the start hut and we have confirmed reports that he ate the flesh of Christ for breakfast in the morning and drank the blood of our savior the night before. The UCI has a very strict anti-doping policy and we wish to keep it that way. There are no mountain bikers that could afford to break this rule… Literally’

Riders have been outraged by the scandal, Gee ‘Hubris’ Atherton said in an exclusive interview with Headjar ‘I knew something was amiss when he beat me with no chain on. I’m a 21st century mountain bike genius and beating me with a chain on requires a serious error on my part.’ He then went on to say. ‘Frankly I think the whole thing is incredibly disrespectful seeing as I am a god.’

We caught up with rival journalist Wyn Masters to see what he had to say on the matter. ‘Ye cuz, I knew the bleddy bugger was going to do it. God came to me at the Fort William after party and warned me in advance. He says to me “WYN, never trust a ginger, they have no soul.” at least I think it was god either that or a talking dog. I don’ really know to be honest I’ve seen a lot shit when I’ve been partying.’

Having spoken to various riders at the pits today it seems they are happy with the temporary ban as it now gives them a reason to turn up.

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