15 Stone MAMIL Says Titanium Bolts Were ‘Well worth the money.’

52, year old Steve from Devon was left bewildered by the difference in his climbing ability after replacing every steel bolt in his carbon fiber Santa Cruz. After forking out a meagre £500 pounds for his set of bolts Steve was overcome by the sense of value he’d achieved.

“Well, look it’s not the first upgrade I would have made to my bike but after buying carbon bars, saddle, seatpost and cranks I just could not think of anyway to shave more weight from my ride. My wife just about had a fit when I told her I’d paid 500 quid for a bag of bolts, women eh? Am I right boys. But I says to her ‘Look it cost five hundred for the bolts but look how many bits you get. I paid one grand for these forks and I only got one.’ Steve, proclaimed.

I don’t think you strictly are right Steve, but moving on. So why isn’t every one digging deep for titanium? We asked  Steve how he came up with such an ingenious weight saving solution, and what difficulties he had encountered along the way.

‘Who wants to watch my helmet cam footage’

‘The idea came to me when I was reading about Doddy’s adventures in MBUK and there was an interview with Geeman -what a legend – and he said that titanium bolts had just been fitted to his trek.
To be honest mate, it was difficult to fit all the bolts. But I’m good  with DIY and I could feel how tight to torque the bolts, none of this torque wrench, sissy, nonsense. It took me 4 evenings after work to fit them but I’ve managed to go on about it at our post ride booze up/pub grub at the Boar’s Head for 6 evenings to the lads so I’ve definitely earned some “stokens”.’

Steve, then went on to loudly tell me about how close he’d come to getting KOM’s at the local track during a ‘mates race’  after fitting his titanium bolts. After politely sitting through multiple different angles of his bike expertly propped on a stick it was strikingly obvious how light his bike was. Soon the titanium benefits will sweep the nation. So don’t forget, you heard it here first.

 

Scientists Unsure When World Will End Following Steve Peat’s Retirement

Scientist can no longer predict when the world will end after Steve Peat retires in 2016. Scientists have said they can longer be certain of the exact time held on atomic clocks around the world as they no longer have a consistent reference to check it against.

‘At the end of every season we measure how far a particular hair on Steve’s wrist has past a freckle and from this we can establish whether our atomic clocks are accurate. Without Steve completing a full season we are worried this may effect the consistency of movement of the hair.’ Professor Cox explained.

‘We also can no longer predict how long the sun will provide a habitable life for us here on earth. With most people we see their life’s affected by the positions by the of the stars and planets, hence the very accurate horoscope system. With somebody who has such a strong influence on the mountain bike community, the world and universe, he actually does the reverse. With such a shift in Steve’s life pattern we are concerned this may speed up the aging of the sun or prevent the moon from orbiting.’

This is another blow to hop farmers who are expecting a worldwide shortage in hops after Steve’s retirement party. Stella Artois have begun restricting sales of its beer in order to build up a supply big enough for the event.

Cheers, Steve enjoy your retirement.

UCI Official Outraged to Hear ‘Mountain Biking’ is a Sport Not an Offshore Account

An unnamed UCI official has expressed his shock and anger today after he discovered that ‘Mountain Biking’ is a sport and not his secret pension fund.

The news emerged after a month long sting operation by Headjar, in which the angry official ranted unknowingly on a hidden camera about where his money has been going.

‘You can get much further with a kind word and a urine sample than you can get with a kind word alone’

‘How was I supposed to know that this Mountain Biking thing is actually a sport.’ The official can be heard saying in an Italian cafe. ‘I mean how preposterous, a form of cycling that doesn’t involve lycra, cafe stops and matching socks. How are you even supposed to make money off this cancerous lump to my sport. Do you have any idea how much a 5 star hotel in Majorca costs!?’

Confused, we followed up his somewhat rhetorical question. ‘About three syringes, half a test tube of epo and a blind eye’ He smirked, as he tucked into his skinny latte.

It wasn’t all bad news to him though, ‘I like the look of this Danny MacAskill guy though. If he can front-flip over a fence I’m sure he could jump through hoops like a proper athlete.’

Mountain Biking Banned At BDS For 2016

Mountain Biking Will be banned at next years British Downhill Series, it has been announced. Event organizer Si Putin released the following statement.

‘Having banned chainsaws, tear offs, Gopro’s, fun and any real incentive to pay a huge amount of money to attend our races we have decided to ban mountain biking for the 2016 season. You may think this it now renders the whole event pointless, but you’d be wrong. I’m still going to make some sweet dosh, and its going to give me the company I so desperately crave at the weekends.’

We caught up with customers at the Glentress Peel center to see what they made of the decision. ‘I think it’s a great idea!’ Said Tarquin, 43 from Edinburgh ‘I mean Downhill isn’t really mountain biking anyway because you don’t even ride to the top. I mean how are you suppose to discuss the fine details of the new RockShox damper that I just bought? It’s not as though I can tell when I’m riding.’ She then went on to say ‘Its great for mountain biking as a whole, though because this way they’ll start riding Enduro and I cant beat them all on Strava.’

Unemployed Claudio Just Has ‘Deceptively Lazy Style’ Following Replacement by Trained Parrot

Claudio Colouri has actually been hard at work following his leave from Red Bull after being replaced by a trained parrot to support Rob Warner’s commentary of the 2016 world cup.

Although Claudio’s future prospects look bleak he is expected to pull out a shocker and go from unemployed to millionaire in just one day, according to himself.

Red Bull has announced Claudio’s replacement to be Polly the parrot, a parrot that has been kept in a bike shop near Glenrothes. Although the parrot knows very little about bikes the former owners described him as ‘the most knowledgeable animal in the workshop at any time’. Polly has been confirmed to be capable of repeating everything Rob Warner says and classic lines from famous runs. Polly’s current favorite catchphrase is ‘stay on the bike’.

This comes at a difficult time for Red Bull after it emerged the company could be fined €4.5 billion. After it was found Rob Warner hadn’t been on the piss the night before being tested for nauseous gases. An unfair representation of  day-to-day life for Rob Warner.

NHS to Use Amateur Gopro Footage as Remedy for Insomnia

The NHS has just announced that it will be using amateur helmet camera footage as a remedy for insomnia. The news comes after a psychological study found that 90% of helmet camera footage is ‘boring as fuck’.

A clinical trial found the footage to be far more effective than hypnosis, sleep therapy or Xanex. Unfortunately the trial was not a complete success after one subject died after being bored to death.

WARNING: IMAGE MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS

Dr. Who-ers who was conducting the trial said ‘It was all going to plan until we showed our subject a Gopro footage of some knob riding around on the street outside his house. The subject started to convulse after being made to read the accompanying description and being informed that the author was not in fact a pro but a senior in the SDA. Within 15 seconds of watching the footage the subject was dead.’

The trial found the experiment to be so successful that most subjects had passed out before the third corner of spooky woods. Even those who were mountain bikers were so bored they passed out at the same time, which was surprising seeing as they’ve seen that piece of track countless times before.

The NHS is expected to save millions using the scheme and advises insomniacs to self medicate. The press release stated ‘The best thing about this new therapy is that it can easily be administered by the patients themselves. All they have to do is log on to Facebook, scroll down one page until they find that one friend who thinks they’re Aaron Gwin and play the video.’

Concerns were raised that patients may become dependent on the therapy. However, due to posters being so unoriginal the patients could simply play ‘Sail’ by Awolnation to send them to sleep after 2 months on the program.

Si Paton More Powerful Than Opec Following BDS Price Rise, Report Says

It has emerged that Si Paton is now powerful than OPEC it has been claimed by a new report following a hike in the price of a BDS entry. Si Paton now controls 80% of the UK’s racing scene and has no intention of redistributing wealth throughout the United Kingdom.

‘Send that one to the showers.’
Photo by Si Paton

The report also found that Mr Paton has spent the new profit on a new ‘mountain retreat’ with reinforced basement in Berghof, a small town in the Bavarian Alps. This was part of a larger list that also included, a duck house, taxi’s to and from every race and a second home in Peebles.

With the new price rise also came new a new set of rules these rules will be strictly imposed by the death penalty (death by boredom, administered by having to sit through a rider briefing).

The new rules include:

• No rider can have the same haircut as Supreme Leader Paton – Don’t worry vets if you’re starting to bald hair transplants will soon be cheaper than entering a round of the BDS.
• Before racing riders must get on one knee and thank Our Father and Saviour Paton for putting this wonderful race on earth
• When referring to the BDS it must only be referred to as ‘The Master Race’
• Refunds will only be awarded if the rider in question can lick his/her own elbow

Supreme Leader Paton could not be reached as he was having dinner with Dan Bilzarian on his private yacht.

Aaron Gwin Fails Drug Test for Being ‘High on Christ’ UCI Says

Following a series of drug tests since the Leogang World Cup the UCI has concluded that Aaron Gwin will not be allowed to race Lenzerheide after putting holy water in his water bottle in the start hut.

Goliath

In a press conference this week the UCI said: ‘Today we found Gwin guilty of doping following a series of drug tests by our very trustworthy anti doping team. The rider in question was found to have left a water bottle of holy water at the start hut and we have confirmed reports that he ate the flesh of Christ for breakfast in the morning and drank the blood of our savior the night before. The UCI has a very strict anti-doping policy and we wish to keep it that way. There are no mountain bikers that could afford to break this rule… Literally’

Riders have been outraged by the scandal, Gee ‘Hubris’ Atherton said in an exclusive interview with Headjar ‘I knew something was amiss when he beat me with no chain on. I’m a 21st century mountain bike genius and beating me with a chain on requires a serious error on my part.’ He then went on to say. ‘Frankly I think the whole thing is incredibly disrespectful seeing as I am a god.’

We caught up with rival journalist Wyn Masters to see what he had to say on the matter. ‘Ye cuz, I knew the bleddy bugger was going to do it. God came to me at the Fort William after party and warned me in advance. He says to me “WYN, never trust a ginger, they have no soul.” at least I think it was god either that or a talking dog. I don’ really know to be honest I’ve seen a lot shit when I’ve been partying.’

Having spoken to various riders at the pits today it seems they are happy with the temporary ban as it now gives them a reason to turn up.

Enduro Not a Real Word Because No One Knows What it Means

There has been outcry through the ‘Enduro’ community today as Collins Publishing has announced that ‘Enduro’ can’t be added to the dictionary as it doesn’t appear to have a meaning.

In reply to the request filed by the E.W.S. Collins said ‘It was clear right away that the task at hand was monumental when we couldn’t even class it as an adjective, noun or verb.’

Collins interviewed many industry experts and racers to try and grasp what the word meant. French Dictionary at the ready, Head Jar caught up with Fabien Barel after his interview to ask what he thought ‘Enduro’ meant.

‘Ze whole thing is a nonsense. I even quoted them perfect examples of how the word ‘Enduro’ can be used.’ Said Barel, with a flurry of the hand. ‘I said to zem “you know when you are at your chalet and you want to go to ze shop but it is five minutes walk away and you’re too tired so you take the car? well you could say “that’s so enduro!”” I mean its ridiculous  nobody know’s more about the English language than the French.’

‘I’ll have one glass of Enduro, please!’ – Photo from Dirt Mountain Bike

As Mr E.W.S. Chris Ball hurried to his blacked out E.W.S pick-up we got a quick word from him ‘Honestly, I just want the red squiggly line to go away when I’m using it on [Microsoft] Word.’

To see what it meant to the general public we interviewed a spectator at the Tweed Valley E.W.S.

‘Well it’s funny you should ask, actually! I was just trying to explain this to Petunia this morning on the way here.’ Said Sandra, gesturing towards her BMW SUV. ‘To me the spirit of enduro is getting up on Sunday morning and going for a ride with the kids taking a stop at the top of every climb so we can have a rest. It’s revolutionary, really. I don’t know what we would have done before enduro! Also its great because it means the panorama function on my iPhone 6 gets loads of use. My Facebook friends love seeing how much I love the outdoors.’ Our interview was cut short by particularly load golf claps and encouragement as a local rider passed by.

From what Head Jar could gather the lack of meaning or endorsement would not stop the word from being used on an overly-regular basis by just about everyone in mountain biking.

Danny Hart was not available for interview on the subject due to not knowing what a dictionary was.